Out of Sight Out of Mind - Confessional

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” – I’m sure my friends and family wished that were true for me.

“Out of sight, Out of mind” – this is my reality.

I don’t know what it is about my view on relationships, but whenever I part ways with someone, I swiftly and almost completely detach myself from them emotionally and conversationally. It’s my nature.

When I’m in a friendship, I’m ALL IN. I’m your confidante, your loyal ear, your counsel, your encouragement, your reality check, your “whatever you need me to be.” But the minute the connection is tested by a physical /geographical distance, for the most part, things fall apart. I realize, however, that oftentimes my “friendships,” especially in college, were pretty much one-sided, with a lot of thought/energy flowing from me but not much flowing back. So, why are people shocked when a temporary separation ends up being “goodbye?” Oh, I know! Because they were so self-centered and smug in the relationship that they didn’t realize how little work they put into its upkeep. And while I'm completely happy devoting myself to someone, I’m not stupid. When the season ends, I’ll take the good and leave the bad and useless behind.

Let’s get 2 things straight, though:

1) There are several individuals I’ve met throughout high school and college that RECIPROCATED the energy and feelings I gave to the relationship. Those people are still friends in my mind. Though I may not talk to them often, I’m wired so that those feelings NEVER die. The minute I see them or even hear their voice, my past emotions for them rush me, and I’m back to feeling as I did at the height of our relationship. Honestly, If you make an impression on me and show a genuine selflessness at some point towards me, I’m hooked on you. No distance will ever make me forget you or allow the feelings to wane.

2) For the friendships that do die, it’s not that I didn’t value them or like the people. The opposite was true. I was naturally drawn to those people for whatever reason. I enjoyed the time we had and the mutual impact made. IRONICALLY, I have found that in the relationships that fall out, the friend seems more attached to me than I am to them, despite me putting in most of the work. I guess they assumed I was their lackey, forever devoted, and really nice, hahah. I mean, I am devoted and nice, but that completely ignores the much bigger/more dominant elements of my personality, lol. That’s funny when I think about it.

Unfortunately, my "out of sight mindset" has caused many of my GOOD friends to think I don’t care and have forgotten them. Thus, they move on and either forget or get angry with me...that can be heartbreaking. There is one high school friend in particular that won’t give me the TIME OF DAY and blatantly ignores me. I’ve been trying to communicate for over 2 years. If he doesn’t respond by my birthday, I’ll drop him from my mind & heart. I don’t want to, but I know I can.

I guess it’s confusing because no matter if the friendship is REAL or one-sided (and destined for death), I still seemingly give the same amount of me and react the same during separation.
The true test of my friendship then lies in my reaction when reunited. If I’m awkward, not a good sign. If I smile and laugh and am emotional, I really valued you and, chances are, loved you.

To the good friends that think I've moved on - I haven’t. I’m still here for you.

Be well,