Mini EXCITING Update!!!

Hey all! It's been awhile again...just a little update

Today marks 6 MONTHS for my sweetheart and me =) I got us a little something...shhhhhh it's super cute, I swear...I'll post pics after I give him his half =)

I can hardly wait to see him...He's been sick so I haven't spent time with him for awhile...I miss him..but hopefully I should see him soon and celebrate 6 months of love =)

AND...

I started my NEW JOB today!!!


There are a lot of new things I need to learn...I didn't absorb all of it but I have the rest of the week for training before I take over the position of the girl who's leaving at the end of the week...I'm a little nervous because normally, new hires in that department shadow different people for a month...I have ONE WEEK. I should've taken notes when the person training me was talking but she talks a mile a minute using abbreviations! I didn't even know WHAT to write down. But she did let me try out some stuff and I got to initial stuff (that felt oddly good). Hopefully I'll pick up stuff easily and quickly. Navigating the office will be an adventure in itself, too. SO MANY CUBICLES!!!

Ah well...wish me luck!!!

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yoooo hellooooo!!!

Okay...it seems us "being back" means easy goings too..hahahaha

Alright...well since work is more or less over with until next week, I should be updating. I make a lot of empty offhand promises when it comes to stuff like this but I really would love to post some movie reviews and tech stuff and news story things that I find interesting

Sooo just a little about my summer and stuff to hold u over til I post again...which might be in the next 15 minutes or 15 days ahahahah


Spent the summer working from 8am-6pm...or those are the hours I was paid for. I was usually there a few minutes early and left quite a few minutes later. The burdens of having the keys to the office...love the trust the boss has in me...but alas...what did Uncle Ben (Spidey's uncle..not the instant rice guy) say? "With great power comes great responsibility." Who am I to complain, really...it's money money money! WOOH! 50 hour work weeks. Not terrible. Just wished it was off the books. Forget Uncle Ben...Uncle SAM took a GIANT chunk of my paycheck every time!!! Who got kids they can lend me to claim as dependents?

Spent some time with the boyfriend whenever I can. But he got sick and then I got sick so we went almost a whole month apart. But we still talked (read: IM'd and texted) everyday so we're good. Surprising to many of my friends, we haven't...shaboinked...yet. I'm ok with it and he gave me good reasons to wait but I seem to be the Grabby McGroper of the two...hahahah :::eyebrow wiggle:::

What else...AH yes...I turned a quarter century. I partied it up last year when I turned two dozen. What did I do for my quarter century? Low-key'd it. Picnic at Central Park with games and awesome junk food...dinner and drinks (and a night of fending off creepy guys who accused me of not liking black guys...for real, son?) with friends...and a walk by the water with my boyfriend who wrote me the sweetest note ever :::warm and fuzzy feeling:::

Now...work is done. Just some minor subbing work for work. SOOOO...If anyone knows ANYTHING...HOLLA AT YA GIRL!!! cuz ya girl's got too many bills =( TOO MANY!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH


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Reporting for Duty!

Since Musecatto has risen from the dead...I'll make my lurker self known too..hahaha

HELLO!!!

I've more or less forgotten how to write simple lines of code for this so...bear with me in the next few posts as I relearn how to walk and talk Blog

a lil update then...a tiny rundown:



* still working at the same place
* still ready to leave
* thinking about going back to school
* wondering how i'm going to pay for it
* still not sure how to go about getting into school
* still living at home..coping with that
* now slightly more proactive about applying for jobs
* working out more
* biggest and most exciting news to date: BOYFRIEND!!!

details to be filled in later =)

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Leave Your F*cking Phone On

Classic story...never gets old...


Man backpacks through Europe for 2 weeks...girlfriend FORGETS he's leaving...girlfriends many attempts to get in touch with him during his trip!

<
Really busy at work today (too busy to make a real post) so I'll leave you with this diddy for today. Planning on posting on the coonery of Real Housewives of Atlanta shortly (I will be doing extensive research and forcing myself to sit through the train-wreck). :)

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Baggage

There's too much baggage on my shoulders. It's digging into me and fast.

Is it strange that emotional baggage can become a crutch? The person I feud with the most just came to me asking me to put everything out on the table. I know, or suspect however, that if I divulged the reasons for my persistent bitterness & conflict, that person's world would come crashing down (...that is, if they actually listened to and received what I was saying).

I pray so often that our relationship would get better, but everyday I'm reminded of why I feel so negatively. Whether it's the cold past, the past fused with the present obliviousness, or the expectation that the future will be more of the same...I don't know. I just can't seem to get to where I need to be with this person - a positive place. And after years of being so internally angry, I actually fear what an open and positive relationship would be like. Bitterness has become my terrible comfort zone.

Well, I realized today that I hold the key to making our relationship rise or fail miserably. I have two options:

A) I lay all my baggage out for that person to see. They'll likely be so hurt and devastated by the reality, which is so obvious (and thus more damaging), that their spirit will be broken. But in the end, they'll know exactly what they need to change so that we can move forward. Essentially, my confession is the ignition to get our relationship moving...

B) I continue being an emotional martyr. Maybe I'm masochistic, but despite the intense residual disdain from the past (and present) experiences, I don't want to break down the person. Ultimately, I do care for them, and I don't believe I'm spiteful enough to knowingly cause them pain... no matter how temporary.

I could easily stall on choosing my path...except I can't. Because TIME is not on anyone's side. You never know what the next second holds, and a moment's delay could mean a lifetime of regret.

What do I do? The person I call myself sparing is telling me I'm "torturing" them. They say they can and want to take the brutal truth, but who's to say they really can?

It's true when they say all good things have a price. If only I could make the right choice.

Be well,

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Sinnin or Winnin?

Officially putting myself back on the market as of today.

I’m tired of being single! It was fun while it lasted, but I was lying to myself!! I told myself… Southern…you like being single. You like having “options” and being able to just do "whatever" whenever. The problem was…I didn’t do “whatever” because I didn’t feel comfortable doing that while not in a relationship. Isnt that something?

Vegas was a real eye opener. Firstly, as I always do, I told myself I was going to have a great time. You’re going to meet some hot (and nice) guy and hang out, make a real connection, and maybe hook up. Now…here’s the real me. I don’t hook up with random guys- I’ve got too many body concerns and I’m afraid of STD’s. I don’t trust anyone with my life. Even when I’m BLACKOUT drunk…I still have the common sense not to go wandering off with some random guy.

Well…as I stated before…Vegas was an eye opener. I had told myself that I wouldn’t risk my life for the sake of fun and that, as long as I was cautious with who I spent my time with, I’d be fine. I’d have my brothers and a friend nearby so I’d definitely always be safe. The very first night…I ended up in a club by myself lol. I was ditched…probably for strippers or something like that... Worst part? I didn’t care! I wanted to be alone- maybe meet a guy- maybe go back to his room. ITS FUCKIN VEGAS! So here I am at the bar buying myself a shot when a guy comes up and pays for it for me. Cool…I’m thinking….this is a good start. I wander around the club dancing with this guy for a bit and then, of course, I have to pee. It takes me about 30 minutes to even GET TO the bathroom and then I wait in line for like 20 and when I finally come out…I can’t find that guy. Its way too crowded to try and wander around looking for him so I again just get on the dance floor and dance. I’m pleasantly tipsy by this point and I just don’t give a damn. I headed to the bar again on a lame song and decide to get a mixed drink instead of a shot. Another guy buys it and as we drink, we get to talking. Enjoying our convo (can’t tell you for the life of me what it was about now…lol) we head to the back of the club where there are booths to sit in. It was slightly awkward because his friends would appear every so often and gesture and make those goofy “OOOO You’re going to get some” faces and noises that they think girls are too stupid to know about. I’m tired so I tell him that I’m ready to go. As we near Harrah’s (where I stayed)…he smiles and says that this is also his hotel. Opportunity? Is that you? I opt out of doing anything this night…though I did insinuate that maaaaaaybe something could happen. We make a lunch and dinner date for the next day and I go to my room. Night 1 was fun!

I guess I’ll spoil it for you guys- I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS GUY!!! Lol! I could have…but I didn’t want to. I just didn’t feel right about it. The next day was the same guy, same situation. Out drinking and dancing...blah blah blah. He was really drunk and I had been picking on him all night so, as we were leaving, I said I’ll walk you back to your room to make sure YOU make it home tonight. That is so OBVIOUS but I thought I’d gauge his reaction. This is as close as I had come to wanting to hook up in years so…why not? Um…HELL NO! We grabbed some food and headed to his room. By the time we got there… PUKING. This guy was SICK! We walked in the door and he started puking all over the place. I went into… “mother” mode or something. Took off his clothes…dragged him to the toilet…patted him on the back and got him water while he puked. When it finally slowed down…I flopped him in his bed on his side (so he wouldn’t choke) and I sat there waiting for his friends to come back. I waited for about an hour…then…realizing that they’d see him on his bed half naked and assume stuff…I left! Ruined it for me. I probably might have done something with this guy. Needless to say…we didn’t hang out the next day or anything like that. I know…its not his fault…but I saw him half naked (didn’t want him to puke on his clothes) with upchuck all over him. Not a good vision.

The next day I went clubbing sans brothers and decided to get fucked up and find a new guy to chit chat with and have fun! I spent the night dancing with some random guy the entire night. We kept running to the bar and buying shots or drinks and got sooooo messed up that we couldn’t find the beat if we wanted to. THAT was fun. There was no one else there but me and him. Realizing that I might do something bad though…I parted ways and headed home. ANTICLIMATIC? I know!!! I’m so dumb sometimes!

Anyway…I’m gonna snag a man here in Atlanta. I’m tired of being single! Updates on that soon!
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Mr. McNair

R.I.P Steve McNair


Take no Prisoners POV? That's Me!

So it should come as no surprise to you that I am often disappointed with the coverage (and sympathy) given to athletes and celebrities. No one has the balls to ask the real questions? Come on....! Yesterday I was reading different articles...trying to get an idea of what actually happened...before I made my judgment. I came across an article: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/9777174/Don't-be-so-quick-to-make-McNair-a-hero which just made so much sense and came from the same viewpoint I was coming from. What's this?! A journalist with balls that gets to the root? Wow! Journalists often leave the big boys (athletes and handsome actors) alone, standing by the "they're men...its what they do" view. This guy...none of that.

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The article linked above is written by Jason Whitlock, a FOXSports.com Columnist and details his views on the McNair situation- the possible murder-suicide. Below is my reaction.
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When I heard the news of McNair's death...my initial reaction was (as you can probably guess) unsympathetic to say the least. I started with the usual "Oh no...how did it happen?" but mine was more like "Oh no......how did it....who or what was he doing?". I have no pity for these rich athletes (ask me about Michael Vick sometime...) who "make mistakes". Athletes get the world handed to them (and oh do they take...and take) and get away with...well...murder. I was not surprised to find out that he was killed doing something he should NOT have been doing. It IS a loss...I'm not a total heartless bitch...but I feel more for his family and friends...and fans. You should have kept it in your pants and at home with your wife McNair...(no matter what possible agreement you and your wife may or may not have had).

As for the girl...she disgusts me as well...though I can’t say that if the opportunity presented itself (that of a rich NFL'er) that I wouldn’t do the same. I do have morals...I do not date or talk to married men or even men with girlfriends (though when I was 16 I did engage in a relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend...it still haunts me). I do not sleep with men simply because of their status or money...or the gifts that they are able to lavish upon me. But I cannot sit here and say that I would turn down a millionaire...the opportunity has never presented itself...so I cant be 100% sure. My anger and annoyance is not just directed towards McNair...but an opportunist is an opportunist is an opportunist. I sit and look at my bills and sometimes think that some NFL person could write one check and my problems would be solved and it would be no skin off of their back. Eh...bastards.

As for the kids, as the author of the article mentions, they are really the ones who are losing and I have to agree. I hope that they had no idea that their father was sleazy...and yet...I hope that they did so that the shock and scandal surrounding this will hurt them less. He is being championed as this wonderful and amazing guy (and maybe he was...) but all I can see is a man who was killed in his veritable "love shack" possibly by his "jump-off" as she is so affectionately termed in the article. I, like Mr. Whitlock, just want the cloudiness surrounding his legacy and his untimely end to be cleared. Yes...he was an amazing footballer, and yes, he did a lot for his community but, much like Whitlock, I am more interested in the family legacy he left behind; the roots of our society start in our families. Was he a good father? Possibly, though, he obviously had begun to slack on his time at home (not the love den…HOME!). Was he a good husband (and, therefore, role model)? Eh...no... Even if there is some sort of a marital agreement (how could his wife not QUESTION the many absences…the bills for another car and apartment…) of infidelity...I personally would not act on it. You have dedicated yourself 100% to your significant other and your children and family. If you cannot do that...you deserve to be alone, not sneaking off with some young girl...

When will guys learn to keep it in their pants??? I'm going to be vulgar...a hole is a hole...it may be tighter for a few years but eventually it will get just as used and then you will have nothing but some girl there for your money. Stick with what you got...



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Opposites My Ass...

What do people mean when they say opposites attract?

Like…TOTAL opposites? Or just opposite on a few things….?

Lately I’ve been ‘matching’ myself with the people around me; people that work in my office or that I see all the time at restaurants, events, etc and I just don’t know about that. How can you be so opposite with someone but still manage to stay together? I’m assuming that people mean that they are opposite on a few things at a time and not everything. Can’t be…

For instance, this guy in my firm is a true Renaissance/Do-All guy if I’ve ever seen one. He works at this firm 7 days a week (every time I come in on Sat/Sun he is here!) at least 6 hours a day, he volunteers for the ASPCA and other animal activism groups, he is active in his community- serving as a member of the board, travels the world…and…on top of all of this…the man is an avid gardener and baker. I mean…what the fuck…? I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed before noon on the weekends (part of that is just me being lazy and wanting 12 hours of sleep) and this guy is baking damn raisin bread to bring into work, saving puppies, and tending his beautiful rose gardens all the while getting dressed for work with a huge smile on his face. I could NOT be with this guy…it just wouldn’t work. He’s a great guy but… can you imagine?!! I’d have to kill him for flicking the lights on at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning to get up and get dressed for the day. He is my total opposite and it just wouldn’t work. How could we be compatible?

Gotta find a middle ground somewhere lol. I just know there are certain things I can NOT accept differing views on because I know they would cause a huge rift in the relationship and I’m not willing to try or change to repair them (yea…I’m a bitch and I probably deserve to be alone…whatever).

1. Homophobic/Anti-Gay Rights – I can’t budge. If you don’t like gays or think that gay marriage should not be allowed…we will not get along. Move along. And if you even think to use the word “faggot (sorry guys…)”- yea…just don’t even bother talking to me.

2. Racist – Obviously if you hate black people...move along lol. Ok…so you’re black (like me) but you hate ______ group of people. No thanks. Move along. I don’t like racism on any level and, though I know everyone has thought one racist thought or maybe said something that could be viewed as racist, if you are unable to see how you could have offended someone when they bring it up or are unwilling to change…move along. You can say/think whatever you want, but uh…I reserve the right not to have dealings with you because of that.

3. Just Damn Mean!- Fine… We all know that Southern Substance is a bitch. This is obvious. But there’s a difference between being a bitch and being a horrible person. I will not laugh at a person with disabilities or laugh at a person because of their looks or clothes (to their face anyway...I try not to do it at all but it happens...). I will not tease/bait homeless people just to watch them do stupid stuff for money. Good example: I was on my bus riding home a few months back and a woman began to get sick on the bus (vomiting). I was across the aisle from her and I and others helped to get napkins and get a trash can so that she wouldn’t mess her clothes up. I was not concerned about a little vomit getting on me (none did) or anything like that…but more concerned about her health and safety. Now…there was this guy sitting next to her who I thought was cute and had chit-chatted with a few times. He was REPULSED. He scooted all the way to the window and kept shooting her these dirty looks as if she could help what was happening. He never once asked if she was alright or anything of that nature. He kept saying “ew…fucking gross” and even got on the phone with a friend to complain about the fact that the bus driver pulled over to come and help this woman so he would be late getting home. She was not SPEWING everywhere and, in fact, barely got any on herself, let alone anyone else. I was more disgusted by him than this strangers’ vomit. A little vomit on you won’t kill you but something could have seriously been wrong with this woman and he, in his fucking white Hanes t-shirt, is too worried that some will get on him? Needless to say…the next time he talked to me, I mentioned how horrible his reaction was and we never spoke again. I don’t know how I could be with someone who cares so little for someone else…even if they are a stranger… would you be him or me in this situation? Be honest...

Just my two cents….



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The HUNT

Job Hunt

MAN Hunt

I'm on the PROWL

I've got my puma eye on you -->

...except I'm not every proactive with either =\

The Job thing...totally my fault. I'm completely comfortable at my current job even though I really want to be somewhere else (with better benefits, higher pay, and job security). I mean, I can get up at noon and still get to work on time during the week. And I'm like, The Shit, at work. Why? No idea. Am I really The Shit? I don't think so, but it's all relative and sometimes I embrace delusions to get through the day. Hahaha

The drawback to my work schedule is my Saturdays are BRUTAL. I have to be in around 8am to set things up before the rest of the staff arrives, and I work pretty much nonstop until 5:30. Yes, I know. Boo flipping hoo. I have a pretty average day that everyone else has 5 days a week to my ONE day. Except teaching 4 different subjects and grades all in one day really is taxing. ALSO, needing to be at work at 8am on a Saturday means I can't really go out and stay out Friday nights and I'm WAY too pooped by the end of the day to go out and wile out Saturday nights either.

ALL that hinders my MAN hunt. I work with a mostly male staff during the week. I'm not attracted to ANY of them. In fact, one REALLY creeps me out. The weekend staff is all female. I can't go out on weekends and I don't go out during the week. WHEN and WHERE am I gonna find me a man?!?!?!

I'm gonna be old REALLY soon. I mean, after 21, the next milestone is kinda 25, just because it's a quarter century. 30 is right around the corner from there. I won't be 25 this year but I'm getting DAMN close. TOO close. And I don't like it. I thought I'd be close to getting my life together and pretty well on the way to starting a family.

WAMP WAMP.

I am nowhere near either goal. What am I gonna do?!?!?!

What CAN I do...? I've kind of lost my trail on these hunts. I need to get back on track.
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Oh Mother...

My life is a lie...

My mother and I do not get along. There’s this charade of us all being happy and joking and laughing, and that is the case most of the time, but boiling under the surface is this huge cesspool of resentment and pain. It’s like a volcano too…hides in waiting, just barely rumbling, and then it blows. When we go at eachother…it’s dangerous.

I started thinking about it when I read Musecatto’s Entry about him and his parents deciding to make an honest change and improve their relationships. I remarked, to myself, that I’m glad that I didn’t have to do anything like that and that my family and I had a decent relationship. But then I really started to think…and think…and think. The next morning, all hell broke loose giving me a painful reminder that my visible life is probably a lie and I don’t know why.

The next morning, on my way to my bus that I usually take to work…I was remarking on how I didn’t think I could work like this for 30 or more years and that I admired the people who could, like my father. Granted…it’s like 6 a.m. so I’m not thinking clearly but, if my child had said that to me, I wouldn’t get offended. Mom’s like...what the hell have I been doing the last 35 years? Sitting on my ass? Your father’s not all you think he is. Who was the one supporting you when he ran off to Japan and found a new family? That’s when I realized I should have said you didn’t let me finish and that I admired her too. Instead, I snapped back... what the hell do you want me to do? List every person I know who has done whatever I’m making a list about? Then, for the next five minutes I listed everyone who fit the bill. I admire Grandma for working for 30 years. I admire Grandpa and on and on, and then I said, are you happy? Every time I make a list about something I’m going to make sure I put you first and exclude my father since you want me to hate him so much.

Yes…my father wasn’t there when we were really young. My parents divorced shortly after my younger brother was born and have been seemingly at each other’s throats every since. There are two stories of what actually led to our family breaking down…but…obviously both sides are biased. He left…military orders sent him to Japan…and remarried a few years later. My mom struggled to raise us and work and attend school to better herself and I really do appreciate that. But…as a little kid…I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t realize that my dad was rarely sending money down to help in raising us… I didn’t notice. I was fucking three to six years old. When I turned six, she sent us to live with him and every since…he’s been in my life…helping me…giving me money to assist me with whatever and advice. So yes…he failed us…for MAYBE four years. But she allllllways makes it like he was never there for us. You want me to hate him for four years out of 24 that he wasn’t there for me?! Fuck no. He has MORE THAN made it up to me and I’m not going to hate my father just because you do. What she doesn’t realize is…every time she brings this up in that particularly harsh manner (which is always the case)…my resentment for her builds. Who does that to their kids? Puts them in the middle of something like this? Yes…he did you and us wrong…but you don’t shove that down your childs’ throat. As the mature adult…you just have to suck it up and deal. Even now…as a 23 year old…I cry every time she brings this up- I go upstairs and curl up in a ball and just cry on my bed like I’m six again. It’s painful to realize that your parents aren’t the perfect human beings you imagine, and that someone you love so much has wronged you. But I do love my father and I forgive him. Of course I love my mother!! We just definitely need some therapy or something because the resentment is now out of control.

There’s so much more to say on this…maybe I’ll continue next week or start a personal blog as my own therapy. I’ll keep you updated or post a link to my personal blog (if I make one..). Curious to know peoples’ opinions on this. I think I'm going to write my mother a letter as well...one that I'll let you all read and comment on so that I can give it to her. Looking up therapists now... Read more...

Cardiac Arrest

I originally wanted to write about what happened two days ago. I don't know where to begin. I can't really dive right into the story without a beginning. I don't know what to say because I don't know what to think.

So instead of storytime, I'm going to ask some questions that I have.

1. Have you ever cared for someone too much for your own good?
2. Have you ever cried over something someone else thought was trivial?
3. Have you ever attached yourself to someone only to wonder what it is that keeps you chained to them?
4. Have you had hope only to realize you don't know what you're hoping for?
5. If there is emotional infidelity, are there relationships based solely on emotions and nothing more?
6. Have you ever felt like everything you knew could very well be a lie?
7. How does someone choose between living in utopia based on omission of reality and living in reality with a clear perception of the non-existence of utopia?
8. How can I keep going not knowing what is real or what to believe?
9. How can I know everything isn't just a delusion?

These aren't existentialist inquiries or questions of faith. These are doubts of the heart.

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