My life is a lie...
My mother and I do not get along. There’s this charade of us all being happy and joking and laughing, and that is the case most of the time, but boiling under the surface is this huge cesspool of resentment and pain. It’s like a volcano too…hides in waiting, just barely rumbling, and then it blows. When we go at eachother…it’s dangerous.
I started thinking about it when I read Musecatto’s Entry about him and his parents deciding to make an honest change and improve their relationships. I remarked, to myself, that I’m glad that I didn’t have to do anything like that and that my family and I had a decent relationship. But then I really started to think…and think…and think. The next morning, all hell broke loose giving me a painful reminder that my visible life is probably a lie and I don’t know why.
The next morning, on my way to my bus that I usually take to work…I was remarking on how I didn’t think I could work like this for 30 or more years and that I admired the people who could, like my father. Granted…it’s like 6 a.m. so I’m not thinking clearly but, if my child had said that to me, I wouldn’t get offended. Mom’s like...what the hell have I been doing the last 35 years? Sitting on my ass? Your father’s not all you think he is. Who was the one supporting you when he ran off to Japan and found a new family? That’s when I realized I should have said you didn’t let me finish and that I admired her too. Instead, I snapped back... what the hell do you want me to do? List every person I know who has done whatever I’m making a list about? Then, for the next five minutes I listed everyone who fit the bill. I admire Grandma for working for 30 years. I admire Grandpa and on and on, and then I said, are you happy? Every time I make a list about something I’m going to make sure I put you first and exclude my father since you want me to hate him so much.
Yes…my father wasn’t there when we were really young. My parents divorced shortly after my younger brother was born and have been seemingly at each other’s throats every since. There are two stories of what actually led to our family breaking down…but…obviously both sides are biased. He left…military orders sent him to Japan…and remarried a few years later. My mom struggled to raise us and work and attend school to better herself and I really do appreciate that. But…as a little kid…I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t realize that my dad was rarely sending money down to help in raising us… I didn’t notice. I was fucking three to six years old. When I turned six, she sent us to live with him and every since…he’s been in my life…helping me…giving me money to assist me with whatever and advice. So yes…he failed us…for MAYBE four years. But she allllllways makes it like he was never there for us. You want me to hate him for four years out of 24 that he wasn’t there for me?! Fuck no. He has MORE THAN made it up to me and I’m not going to hate my father just because you do. What she doesn’t realize is…every time she brings this up in that particularly harsh manner (which is always the case)…my resentment for her builds. Who does that to their kids? Puts them in the middle of something like this? Yes…he did you and us wrong…but you don’t shove that down your childs’ throat. As the mature adult…you just have to suck it up and deal. Even now…as a 23 year old…I cry every time she brings this up- I go upstairs and curl up in a ball and just cry on my bed like I’m six again. It’s painful to realize that your parents aren’t the perfect human beings you imagine, and that someone you love so much has wronged you. But I do love my father and I forgive him. Of course I love my mother!! We just definitely need some therapy or something because the resentment is now out of control.
There’s so much more to say on this…maybe I’ll continue next week or start a personal blog as my own therapy. I’ll keep you updated or post a link to my personal blog (if I make one..). Curious to know peoples’ opinions on this. I think I'm going to write my mother a letter as well...one that I'll let you all read and comment on so that I can give it to her. Looking up therapists now...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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I know how you feel. My father left the country when I was 8, never paid child support, and generally left my mother to deal with me, in addition to everything else she had going on (grad school for example). And not only does she say nasty things about my father, she uses him to threaten me. "Don't be lazy, or you'll end up like your father". It's really unpleasant to be in the middle of someone else's conflict.
ReplyDeletei've had the good fortune of my mother not bad mouthing my dad. yes, she has made it clear that he's a deadbeat but his inactions tell me that already. he's lazy and is a fool. smh
ReplyDeletei feel like we're all having issues with our moms...by we i mean 20somethings living with our moms...maybe we'd all be better off living apart...it's a natural innate progression towards independence
This has always been the case though Gotham. I really feel like she hates me for loving my dad. You all met her and got to see our pleasant interactions- when things are good- they are good! But...any time I say something good about my father...this is kind of what I get from her or simply a stony silence where she doesnt say anything to me at all.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she thinks I prefer my father over her- this tends to happen in families i.e. Daddy's Girl etc. but I'll never know because we never talk about this stuff. It becomes a shouting match if we do with her accusing me of being ignorant to the fact that my father ditched us. I'm not ignorant to that fact..I just don't want to think about it. I recognize that what he did was wrong but, by the same token, my mother has taught me to forgive and to love thy parents. Dual standard maybe?
She has issues with her own mother which are so strong...maybe that got passed down to me? I will probably finish this post (despite its length...it is indeed unfinished) once I create a personal blog. I just want to know if it seems as if I'm showing some sort of favoritism towards my father and maybe that's why she resents me.
P.S. My father has not said one negative thing about her to me in relation to this. The only things I can remember him saying dealt with her handling of money in which I quickly chastized him and told him not to talk about my mother like that.
ReplyDeletehmm, yea. Every family is broken in some way. I think writing a letter to your mom is good because it doesn't allow for interruptions or tangent arguments - it focuses things on the central issue. I've done it before and it really helps. The main thing is being honest, understanding, and level-headed in the letter.
ReplyDeleteJealousy over who has a child's affection arises even among un-divorced/separated parents. Having a child love you and resent your partner is often the greatest source of validation for a parent... really sad but true.
Yea...as neutral as parents attempt to be...there is always a clear favorite child for them and no matter how much they try to hide it...its very clear. My father favors me. Its obvious. I was his first child since my older brother is technically not of his flesh. My dad has never outright treated my older brother as anything else but his own child but I will always hold that place as his first-born AND only daughter (he has step daughters now but I had that place for YEARS) so I kind of have two very special attributes for him.
ReplyDeleteBy the same token, I know my mother favors my older brother, then my younger brother, then lastly, me. My older brother holds that place as her first child and was that way for five years before she even considered other children. Though she's not attempting to be mean per se, she always says things like "I KNEW you were going to be a girl because you always made me sick or disagreed with me when I was pregnant". I know I'm third in her book and, though life isn't a competition, I feel there's no reason for me to try any harder than I always have for affection. I just kind of gave up. I'll take what's thrown at me but the other 85% of love and encouragement comes from my daddy. I'm prepared to accept that!
Really considering starting that letter now since I'm getting some good feedback here. I thought people would say that I'm dumb or overreacting. Just don't know a good time to give it to my mom. Maybe when I'm about to get on my flight to Law School! LOL!
I think you need to just sit down for a few hours and hammer out a letter and give it to your mom soon. If you give it to her as you're leaving the nest, you'll never know if your relationship with her changed because you left or because she finally gets you.
ReplyDelete