Stranger Things Have Happened

I have a way with people...



...a way with pissing them off without technically doing anything. Everywhere I go…I get into the most random or awkward situations without my prompting. For instance, I was in Italy for about 3 months…three damn months…and here is one of the many interesting situations that I was in…

-------Me v. The Stinky Feet Man-------




So a friend and I are on our way out to a club to meet up with the rest of our friends when I and a seemingly homeless man get into an altercation on the bus. We were running late because we got on the bus on the wrong side of the route and had to ride to the end of the route then stay on as it started over (meaning we'd be on for almost an hour!!). The bus REEKS…as if something has died and I look around to see what dead body the smell is leaking from. I then notice the source of the smell: this homeless guy has his shoes off and his dirty, crusty socks are airing out…I swear I could see that cartoonish green smoke rising up from the socks. My friend and I are so disgusted and sickened by the smell that I, who is on the other side of the bus and behind the guy, decide to open my window to let some fresh air in. A few minutes later the homeless man moves, which surprised me because he smelled dead, and looks around to see where the cool air is coming from. When he sees my window, he swiftly jumps up, closes it and heads back to his seat, as if he didn’t see my friend and I sitting there. I, still reeling from his scent hovering above me as he closed the window, open it back up. A few minutes later he again feels the air, gets up and closes it again, this time telling me something to the effect of leave it closed. I, being the self-righteous American that I am, look at him, shocked at his bravery, and basically say I’ll do whatever the hell I want and open it back up…this time putting a t-shirt or something in it to hold it open. He jumps up again, yanks the shirt out and throws it in my face, then closes the window.

Now, when he makes this aggressive move, I assume he’s going to hit me with his fists as this all happened in a matter of seconds. I’m sitting in the seat and at an obvious disadvantage if he does hit me, so I swing my fists up (technically an undercut) which shocks him and sends him reeling back to his seat. I open the window again and we begin cursing each other out in Italian (and some English because this is still early on in my trip and I don’t know all the words yet). These Africans, who spoke English, eventually intervene and tell us that he probably has a knife and could kill us – to which I reply if he was going to stab me he would have done so already…he’s not going to do shit (this is typical me and, yes I realize it will probably get me killed one day lol). The night ends with me and the Pazzo ('crazy man' in Italian) eventually laughing and joking. He even says goodnight on his way off the bus.

As we see him making his way into the bus station we notice that he has this HORRIBLE LIMP to the point where he can barely walk. My friend has always accused me of attacking a handicapped man…but I always defend myself in saying that he probably twisted his ankle when he got up while the bus was moving to attack me. He wasn’t too handicapped to attack me…and that’s all I have to say about that lol.