I DO wanna be the Biggest Loser!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004
So, I'll start smoking tommorrow. Purely as a hobby. and to look cool. If there are any kids reading this, don't listen to your parents. Smoking really does make you cool. Cooler than you could ever hope to be right now.

So my girlfriend and I recently decided to revamp our lifestyles, because she became increasingly worried that I'd keel over and die in my early 30s before earning enough for her to remarry for love instead of money. We changed our eating habits and started going to the gym religiously. She's lost more than 15 pounds. I... haven't.

Like I'd love to lose weight but I've never had the heart to deny myself anything. During my diet some of my more frequent transgressions involve regularly ordering multiple burritos while she's at work, preparing a 6/2 split of burgers for myself and her respectively, and eating entire bags of chips at a time with the defense that pico de gallo is healthier than regular salsa. These things happen on the regular. They're not even the exceptions like me having multiple Cinnabons for breakfast when I was running late for a flight out of Washington.

It's not all bad. I'm eating more greens than I did before. In fact I'm eating an infinite amount more greens since before I'd eaten like 0 salads in my entire life. Infinity times 0 is 0 so the math is a little skeevy but you get my point . I'm pretty good about the gym too despite it being an extremely boring time. You get addicted to the adrenaline rush but there is nothing more dreary than the moment you get on a treadmill and realize you're stuck there for 40 minutes. It wasn't so bad when I could just run behind my girlfriend and watch her butt bounce during her workout but she's become increasingly adept at finding machines where I can't ogle her and the other girls at the gym either have no butts at all or it's like watching puppies wrestling under a blanket.