Love, Hate, College, Tomfoolery

Regrets? Who doesn't have any? I'm a dweller. I have regrets and then I live my days out thinking about those regrets. It's hard for me to let things go. A lot of my regrets come from knowing that they would be mistakes and making them anyway. I must be a glutton for emotional pain. Some other regrets come from my own naivete and takes me awhile to grasp the magnitude of my own idiocy.

In matters of love, hate, and self realization, there is no better place to sort those things out and make mistakes in those areas than in college.

I'm just glad I have good friends that pull me through my moments of tomfoolery.

There aren't too TOO many things I regret. But there things I still think about.

Academics.
I am NOT proud of my GPA. All those all-nighters were pretty unnecessary. Most of them could have been avoided if I didn't try so hard to make procrastination a hobby. I'm disgusted with my studying habits. Product of high school though. The days were so taxing that I would try to push things back as much as possible just to get some breathing room. Just excuses though.

If I wasn't aiming so high and trying to please everyone else, I would have had a better time studying in China. I skipped a whole year of Chinese when I studied abroad just so that 3rd year Chinese had enough people for a program. It was too flipping hard with a lot of people I didn't like. I would have learned more if I stayed with 2nd year and knew what the hell was going on in class. But other than that, I really did enjoy China and made some good friends on the trip.

As much as I loved "studying" with my friends, I really wish I had taken advantage of those TA sessions and gotten to know my professors. Why didn't I? I don't know. Issues with authority? I don't think so but maybe a slight fear.

Love. Hate. Friendships.
I've made a lot of friends in college. Some, I let go. Some drifted away. But luckily, some friends have become GREAT friends. It would have been nice to branch out a little more, if not for love of friendships then at least for networking. Safe to say, I didn't make it a top priority to make friends in my psych classes. Inferiority thing.

I was genuinely disgusted with some people in college. I probably didn't hide my disgust. I don't hide emotions very well. I can try but something almost always flickers across my face and gives it all away. Someone has even messaged me through my Honesty Box on facebook about that. The message itself offended me. If that person is going to say something about me TO me, say it to my face, not a nasty message through my Honest Box. I mean yes, it's an Honesty Box, but it was so nasty that it seemed like personal beef. If it's that personal, then make it personal, not anonymous.

I didn't find love in college. It's really sad. I didn't find anyone in college. A friend once said to me, "Yes, it may seem like I abandon you guys sometimes but the time I spent away from the group with a significant other was good and you guys probably would be happier if you all had relationships at one point or another." OUCH. But true. I never hated the fact that he had relationships and stopped hanging with the group so much. We were all happy for him. But we all could have been happy for each other, too. I wonder why we didn't find love. What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong?

Self-realizations.
I went into college thinking: PRE-MED!!! HELL YEA!!! Wampwamp. Pre-med at Dartmouth is no joke. Which is fine because I think my true calling is Psychology. If only I'd known that sooner instead of holding on to that pre-med crap for so long which F'd me academically. ARGH!!! (Now I'm thinking maybe I can do physical therapy, too! I'll need some more time with that thought first.)

I also thought that going AWAY for school meant that I can separate myself from the family and just let me be me and that the family can handle things without me. It just ended up being long road trips back and forth but the emotional distance and dependency between the family and me never changed. I probably could have saved myself a lot of time if I went to a school that was closer to home. But I don't think I really regret that all too much. I needed to know for sure. And now I know.

That's it. Amidst all the regrets, I managed to find a lot of good in college. And for that, I love my friends for helping me get through it all. =)