But I Poop From There!

Ever since coming to this country, I've been engrossed in a culture where the motto might as well be younger, nuder and raunchier. Each news story breaks with younger and younger demographics pushing the envelope of sexuality. Children were having sex earlier and earlier and with greater and greater abandon. Nothing offended their sensibilities anymore.

This infuriated me because, as a teenager, I could never find these legendary nubile underaged whores. At my high school, all of the girls were mannish and spent their time after school splicing DNA rather than sucking off dudes behind the gym. To this day, I'm overwhelmed with bitterness and confusion at the hot cheerleader stereotype. Our cheerleaders didn't shave where they should, did shave where they shouldn't have to, and outweighed some of the smaller members of our football team.

These days, I don't really watch enough television to have a real opinion on sex and the media. The sitcoms that I do watch tend to reinforce the stereotypes that single people get laid every day and married people have sex once every three months. While I'm not entirely convinced of the veracity of that claim, my prenup will have a clause providing me the right to keep a coitus stunt double on retainer just in case.

P.S. It's Jessica Biel. Yea. I know. Me too.