Almost a Woman

15 (almost 16)


That's when I lost it. When I was younger…I was pretty hard on myself. I figured I’d never get married or be in love…who could love me? I felt ugly, too skinny (definitely not a problem now!), and just overall…I didn’t see much potential in myself. Thus…I didn’t value myself and my gifts; my virginity was not something I held in high accord nor cared about.

In fact, when I moved to Georgia, I thought even less of it. My middle school was a hotbed for horny kids. Once…in my science class (by far the horniest class I had) these two kids ran to the back before the teacher was in class. We had 5 rows of normal desks and then in the back back of the classroom, there were the taller lab desks (5 rows again). These two kids had SEX back there without the teacher realizing. Kids were always getting caught in bathrooms and closets…just disgusting. Well…I remember stating matter-of-factly to some friends that I had not ever had sex or done anything. The next day…guys that I had NEVER spoken to were in my face flirting/asking me to be their girlfriend. I liked the attention at first…until I realized why. Rumors of my virginity up for grabs… It got to the point of harassment. This one guy would try to rub up my legs in my EIGHTH GRADE science class. It made me so uncomfortable. No matter how many times I said stop or slapped his hands…there they were trying to creep up my thighs. Yuck. I started to hate being a virgin…it was like a scarlet letter. Here I am…pure and innocent…and I’M the outsider…what the hell?!

So two years later...I’m back in North Carolina (living with dad again) and have been dating this guy for awhile. I didn’t like him…at all really…he was just the best friend of my best friends’ boyfriend. Convenience. They were older than us…so we had rides and access to alcohol (beer’s nasty…lol) so we kept them around. Plus...how cool is it to brag about having a boyfriend that's not in high school when you're 15 (now that I look back...ew...)? He started pressuring me shortly into the relationship. Ugh I thought…here we go again. I have to admit…I was curious about sex. I had not discovered masturbating yet (though it would have saved me a lot of trouble…). I had not watched porn yet. So I definitely wanted to see what was up- what all those kids in Georgia were so hyped about. After a year of him bugging me I literally said fuck it and gave it up. It was TERRIBLE lol. I watched t.v. during it. He was just…lame. I’m not sure he really took my virginity at all but, whatever. And YES we used protection.

Though it was a dumb and stupid reason to lose it…I don’t regret losing it at that time or anything like that. I didn’t cry or mark the day in my diary. I didn’t throw a parade. It didn’t (and still doesn’t) mean anything to me. I’m still skeptical about being in love (its more pain than its worth) and I still don’t value the little things (1 month anniversary…place we met etc etc). I’m just not that kind of girl. If I could do it all over again…would I do it the same? Nah…there was this much better guy later on down the road.