There's too much baggage on my shoulders. It's digging into me and fast.
Is it strange that emotional baggage can become a crutch? The person I feud with the most just came to me asking me to put everything out on the table. I know, or suspect however, that if I divulged the reasons for my persistent bitterness & conflict, that person's world would come crashing down (...that is, if they actually listened to and received what I was saying).
I pray so often that our relationship would get better, but everyday I'm reminded of why I feel so negatively. Whether it's the cold past, the past fused with the present obliviousness, or the expectation that the future will be more of the same...I don't know. I just can't seem to get to where I need to be with this person - a positive place. And after years of being so internally angry, I actually fear what an open and positive relationship would be like. Bitterness has become my terrible comfort zone.
Well, I realized today that I hold the key to making our relationship rise or fail miserably. I have two options:
A) I lay all my baggage out for that person to see. They'll likely be so hurt and devastated by the reality, which is so obvious (and thus more damaging), that their spirit will be broken. But in the end, they'll know exactly what they need to change so that we can move forward. Essentially, my confession is the ignition to get our relationship moving...
B) I continue being an emotional martyr. Maybe I'm masochistic, but despite the intense residual disdain from the past (and present) experiences, I don't want to break down the person. Ultimately, I do care for them, and I don't believe I'm spiteful enough to knowingly cause them pain... no matter how temporary.
I could easily stall on choosing my path...except I can't. Because TIME is not on anyone's side. You never know what the next second holds, and a moment's delay could mean a lifetime of regret.
What do I do? The person I call myself sparing is telling me I'm "torturing" them. They say they can and want to take the brutal truth, but who's to say they really can?
It's true when they say all good things have a price. If only I could make the right choice.
Be well,
Monday, August 10, 2009
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Sounds like you actually want to hold on to this friendship, so tell him or her the truth. He or she has actually asked for it. So, it is not your issue whether or not he/she receives it well. It is his/her's. If he/she can't take it, then is that really a friend you want anyway? My understanding of a true friendship, which seems like something you had with this person way back when, is an open exchange of information including criticism, amongst other things. When you can't have open exchange that person is no longer a friend, but really an acquaintance. I'm sure you'd identify with holding information back in many other areas besides the sore point(s) that make you bitter. You withhold, this person feels awkward and does the same in turn. The spiral begins and before you know it you're distant and well, bitter. So, do you continue to associate for the past's sake? Again, you have been. So, give the person the opportunity to mend fences or concede to a bitter, estranged relationship.
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