Off My Chest

I'm suffering and struggling to keep my eyes open because I couldn't sleep last night.... I have held this in for so long but I have to get it off of my chest.

When I was in college... a close friend of mine was raped. It was a horrible situation and it still haunts me as I’m sure it does her. I have these dreams...they will come out of nowhere…I’ll have had a happy day and be on my way to bed and then the next morning I’m so tired and stressed and I have snippets of the dream playback in my mind. Oh I had that dream again.

There’s so much guilt involved in this…sometimes I’m able to repress it and I can go months without thinking about it… It will always be with me though because there is so much regret and it was never officially closed in the manner that I would like. That and the fact that, had I been a better friend and more careful, the situation probably wouldn’t have happened. She was soooo drunk and was having a good time dancing in a pretty small party. About thirty minutes later, I realized she was gone and called her cell phone. Maybe she headed home to sleep it off I thought. I had this sinking feeling though and something told me to go and look for her.

The party was in what we called the NAD (Native American House on campus) and I had never been in there, so, although it was a small house, I didn't know what all of the rooms were. I made my way upstairs...peeking in open doorways...listening at doors. I heard nothing. I headed downstairs; there was a door that lead to a room that looked like the storage room in my own building so I assumed it was locked. If only I had opened that door...

My dreams of this situation haunt me; I wake up with tears streaming down my face and in actual physical and emotional distress. If I had just opened that fucking door I could have saved her!!! After I wake up, I force myself to think the situation through, to imagine what I would have done to this asshole if I had walked in. She had been dancing with him all night and had snuck out of the party to make out with him. She told him from the jump that she didnt want to have sex and when things started progressing, she tried to leave the situation. He was able to hold her there and do his dirt. If I had walked into the door, I would have killed him. Maybe its a good thing I didn't because there's no way I could have controlled my rage. I see myself picking up a broom or some object and swinging it baseball style across the side of his head. Or tackling him and wailing on him with my fists- releasing all the anger I had from my own similar situation. I'm so angry- why couldnt I have just opened the fucking door?

She told me that it hurt so badly that she blacked in and out of it but awoke to him getting dressed. He was telling her that it wasn't rape because she agreed to it and that she should stop crying. He gave her his cell phone number...he actually put it in the phone for her... See, he said, if I raped you...why would I give you my number? Dumb ass. He then left the room. She sat there crying for a bit...staring at the ruined couch cushions. Looking back, there was sooo much blood. She then flipped the cushion over and came to find me. I had already headed home and was talking with my friends when she called me. The moment I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong. I ran out of the room, probably scaring the shit out of my friends, and ran to her. She was at the entrance to our building but couldn’t get in. Blood on her pants. I knew...there was no need to ask. I said Where is he...where did it happen? and she motioned to the NAD, conveniently across the street from where I lived. I ran up to the door and started banging as hard as I could. I didnt know the code and couldnt get in and I didnt give a fuck that it was 4 am. Someone opened the door confused; they were still cleaning up from the party. I ran down to the basement and burst in the door. Some guys were on that couch! They didnt realize that they were sitting on a crime scene! I said "Move.." and flipped the cushion over. They were startled. I called Safety and Security and a female officer showed up within minutes. She came in and saw the cushion and we headed to the hospital where we spent the day doing a rape kit and checking her out. She got medicine for all of the STDs and got some cream for the rips and tears in her private area and for the bleeding. I feel like a horrible friend because I was zoning in and out at the hospital- I had been drinking pretty heavily that night as well- but I was doing my best to be there for her. We were there so long...until like 11 the next morning.

I regret the whole fucking thing but I definitely regret flipping the couch cushion over in front of those NAD guys. They figured it out and got him off campus and home to Maryland or wherever the fuck he was from....He wasn't a student...just some idiot up there for a party weekend...

I wish I had opened the door. Even if I had killed him and was rotting in jail for my crime...it would have been worth it.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry...call/e-mail me! I miss you...